The green plants with all the insects, alas we have become selfish. He threw his beer glass down and stormed out, determined to make a difference. He knew he wasn't living right. That we had been lured into an easy way of life, but had missed the shades of green, the bees pollinating the flowers, the small roots expanding into a giant. The transforming, morphing of the world.
Sometimes it seems like travelling is bad for an introvert. Either it seems to bring so much activity and socialising that it is unsustainably exhausting, or it becomes isolating and lonely because those gaps between us and those around us are just too wide to cross. Either way – the road can be a tiring place.
There could be something to be said for the old fashioned style of courting. Where the intentions are clear from the start, and hearts are protected by layers of family and propriety. No messy entanglements.
Because those takes years – lifetimes – to unravel.
My past is littered with messy entanglements. (Not all of them romantic, but those are the ones we get the deepest into, quite often.) And since my marriage ended a little while ago, I have been revisting some of these events in my life – sometimes just within my own heart and soul, sometimes seeking out the actual people too.
...From my hormones, to my body fat percentage, to the way my brain is wired - I don't believe any of those things are incidental or inconsequential.
Neither is the culture I grew up in and its beliefs and attitudes about women, the societal expectations and norms, and my own family's permutations of that. And even the legacy and history of women the world over that has shaped our current times. This all affects me in ways I haven't yet fully grasped, and may never.
And so in all of that, and more that shapes and influences me... who am I?
Every moment of the day we are making choices, large and miniscule. What time to get up, what to wear, which leg to put in our pants first, what to eat for breakfast, how many times to chew that bite of toast before swallowing.
Usually many of these will be some combination of automatic, unconscious and habit. They have to be – we’d go insane having to be fully aware of every little thing we do.
Except that when your life is changing, that’s exactly what happens. And exactly what you need to do. When you are stripping away the labels and undefining who you are to see clearly – all these things you’ve been doing on auto-pilot become open for inspection.
I was about to journal out my moaning again, when it struck me -- be thankful. And just as I had been about to complain, I wrote those words instead, with I'm sure a Spirit guided hand. Because feeling thankful for the pain I was in had, moments before, been the last thing on my mind.